You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
