I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
When are your genitals available?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
COCAINE IS GR8
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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