It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
