Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
