Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
