he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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