I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize