i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
