My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
