News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
