I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
