I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
