never play flip cup with pint glasses
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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