Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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