I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Randomize
