I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
