I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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