If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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