Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
