if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
