Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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