the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
