I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
