Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
