I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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