He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
