i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
