Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
