I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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