I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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