dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
