im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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