so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
