He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
operation harelip BJ is a go
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
