So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
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