Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
