I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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