That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
