Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
