I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
