I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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