I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
