i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
