ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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