don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize