I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
