Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
