I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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