Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
