i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
