I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
