did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
