I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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