HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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