Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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