I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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