Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
