Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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