guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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