You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
