THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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