Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
