I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
