My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
