I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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